I have just walked many miles throughout Lent for charity, spiritually and physically. Thank God for occupying me with this 40 day walk, and holding me Fast to it. It kept me going, when all I wanted to do was give up. Instead come lashing-rain, spring-shine, hailing-stone or biting-blizzard (I walked through all four), God held me to the end.
The Triduum passes, the Lord has risen, the newborn lambs are in the fields and the stars are on the daffodils. The Easter vigil service of Light took place on the eve before Easter Sunday. It was a breathtaking black night. The stars pierced the sky like night diamonds, echoing the heads of nails driven into Christs flesh – all that poured out was light. The service was beautiful and poignant and set me alight as if by flaying me alive. To shed miracle tears for Christ risen was to shed tears drowning me to death.
I always thought about God telling us we have to die in order to live. I thought this to be about the death at the end of all of our lives – in order to live in Heaven, but no, it is talking about dying to sin in order to live sin-free. I confessed, because it was important to follow the rules of my faith, but I confess too that I commune with My Heavenly Father everyday. He examines my conscience with me daily, and allows me conscious accountability of all my wrong doing, and after He is assured of my acknowledgement and sorrow only then does He absolves me of my sin. Everyday I walk with Jesus. Everyday He walks with me. I am not alone. And He leads me to believe that Love bestowed by my Father is never a sin. Love bestowed by God – will never be undone by man.
On Easter Sunday I went to Mass. Same homily. I sat one row from the front. The deacon lit the woman’s candle in front of me and then he came to light my candle from the Easter candle. My candle would not light, its wick was missing. I rolled my eyes back in acknowledgement and smiled knowingly to myself, deeply within. My Father has not forsaken me. After lighting the whole of the congregations candles, the deacon came back to me, last of all. He gave me the last to be lit candle.
My priest came up to me at the end and smiled, and in reference to his observations he said ‘that was not a conspiracy that your candle would not light, it was the wax’. He had no need. People that have learnt their faith through academia, or who have inherited it, often think others see things in a different-lesser light. What they do not see, is that those who have true conversion because of Him, see things way beyond the surface and way beyond aesthetic value. We feel things, sense things, know things way beyond the senses. God does not conspire . . .
He speaks loud and clear when He needs to be heard.
The last shall be first.