This post is dedicated to R and to Love.
R whom one can only admire for his steadfastness.
R whom only I can admire from my sole soul perspective.
R whom deserves love and respect and prayers.
R to whom I have not done justice and God calls me to account. So here goes.
From my sole soul perspective R over ten years ago fell in love with his disappearing past, his imagination was caught by the burning passion of a lustrous shooting star, bound to the solar universe, bound to a far off galaxy, boundlessly burning, all engulfing emblazoned Love at the height of one of her darkest nights, setting him on fire to a light so burningly bright that he failed to realise it was bound to burn itself out. Breathe. He should have wondered, he should have admired, he should have just smiled, for it wasn’t his to have rescued, in order to rescue his losing youth, his losing his past, which in grace was un-recoverable, un-rescueable, un-recreatable, but for a temporary madness.
Instead he took the star and claimed it as his own, when she was burning so brightly so as to stay alive; so as her light would not burn out. And in this burning so intensely she noticed not that her burning had a brighter still light to burn, she noticed not that she hadn’t spent her prime, she still owned it without realising and it belonged to another. She still had her glory waiting for her and she didn’t see it. And in her blind light she responded to him – but he wasnt blind – and he could see – and he turned a selfish blind eye, and he caught the star as his own, and put it in his pocket. And that eve he became Adam.
Today each day in his humanist though ‘Christian by culture’ upbringing, he teaches me how to be a good servant on the one hand, whilst in contradiction his old hands that have been chopped off and thrown away have been authoritarian, an authority that at times I disagreed with, and being me I did override. Eeeek. I teach him not to be authoritarian and he teaches me to serve in love. He has always had an upstanding goodness and an integrity which comes from being a loved child in a loving and upright family of old school days when Christianity and culture were not separate. He has always served others from a place of service regardless of who or what underlying antagonisms there maybe, even in the deepest darkest depths of desperation, his serving his family and our children and others has been the goodness that never altered throughout every storm. He is my greatest teacher of what it is to serve someone in duty regardless, and without demanding a return, even if silently inside hope is hoping, where in my stress I have hardened and cease to serve. Occasionally in our frustration we scream, especially in the recent passing stressful weeks, but actually for the most of the time we live in a frustrated harmony of sorts.
He does obviously express at times his frustrations, frustration which once his body in its desperation to keep me, proceeded to push me ever further away. He is two ends of one stick residing now often in the middle, gentle and hard, passive and dominant, thoughtful and thoughtless, humanist and Christian. Angry and forgiving. Meanwhile I continue to be a frustrating student and companion, but still he tries to share current affairs and he supports me and challenges me when it comes to me having an interest in my faith and he tries to broaden my outlook. I once asked him why he called himself a humanist and not an atheist? and he said it is because he has always had a current interest in religion and the reasons why people believe in what they believe, even though he believes in nothing supernatural what-so ever.
This of course calls in to question any feelings of guilt in me, that my situation has coerced and forged me into feeling. Guilt that is not a natural guilt from something I have done wrong, but guilt from having done something right, and feeling responsible for the forged pain I have caused to another being, that might never have materialized had; 1.) I not have discovered True Love, and 2.) I had not chosen to become a Catholic. One has to continually consider if Jesus were here today what his instruction would have been, whether it would have been the same as I have been following, bearing in mind the reality of the situation that we as a family were living in and bound by in law. Would he have said ‘whats done is done, repent be forgiven and from now on follow me from the life in which the law binds you to live’, or would he have expected me to have taken the path which I have signed to take.
She continues to thinks deep and long and hard . . . and hard . . . and hard and knows that to track backwards beyond True God bestowed awareness is a sacrifice of conscience and body and spirit that would betray her True Love, and so she deprives herself and lives in this deprivation whilst desperately seeking beloved endowment, trying to fill the void with loving kindness. SCREAM. YEARN. SCREAM.
She will never get over her fate.
We all at points have been living dualists. Paradoxes in contradiction. And sometimes we even come to realise . . . else know that
is made whole only in Love/Love.
I think maybe there aren’t three ways but only two ways, the way of life and the way of death. I choose the way of life.
And then I think harder still . . .
I think maybe there are Not two ways; the way of life and the way of death, but One way only. The way of Love. I choose Jesus. And He tells me to choose Love every time. And I am reassured that I was right to repent for my mistakes, and then to live my life accordingly.
And that in doing so, my God bestowed Love I shall never repent.