Further Changes 2 . . . or not

Last night whilst I was hosting my twins tenth birthday-halloween sleepover party, some bad news came in.  R came in from the office and said I have some bad news to tell you, I immediately went like jelly.  This phrase has been said to me on several occasions before (even at a young age) and every time it has prefixed the notification that someone has died or has been taken seriously ill.  That period of time between the “I have got some bad news to tell you” and the actual telling of the immediate news to follow is both timeless and yet forever.

News came in that on the evening before ~ Mittia (R’s Slovenian business supplier) was killed in a tragic road accident leaving behind a young wife in her late 40’s and their 2 teenage sons.  His life will be both celebrated and mourned.  He lived fast, he was a fit and healthy 50+ man, skied, flew, was sporty and drove too fast.  He was the most talented designer and producer of furniture and R was the English middleman who sold some of Mittia’s products to some English furniture manufacturers, supplying chair legs and frames and some complete products.  His loss to all his many friends, family and business colleagues will be of course devastating.  His loss to manufacturing and the world of furniture design will be devastating too.  I never personally knew him, but had received gifts of Slovenian honey and other goodies on a few occasions.  Apart from the absolute shock and absolute heartfelt sudden drop of gravity of everything inside myself (which only shock has the power to do) in response to his wife and children’s grief and loss ~ I felt incredibly sick.  R was clearly shaken.

His company employed many skilled Slovenian workers.  He supplied both German, Slovenian, American and English manufactures, and R was the middle man on some products to England.  R visited and took buyers out to Slovenia to see the factories, and when in Slovenia he was driven about by Mittia who also entertained R and the clients. He also came to England half a dozen or so times a year to meet the English clients, discuss potential designs and attend furniture exhibitions, then R would accompany, drive and entertain him.  It always amazed me just how many chair legs had to be sold in order to make any profit at all, and it always amazed me at just how small the profit was for the two middle men (who share their small profit) after transportation and import costs.  The trick is in the continual trickle of orders from several companies.  R has meetings with the british furniture manufactures, who draw up their designs and then decide it would be cheaper to import certain components, rather than pay out for the tooling to be made up, and for the other manufacturing costs of producing it themselves.

Business is forever tight, to buy in Euro’s and to sell in pounds means that when the rate of exchange is not good the middleman looses out ~ as the Slovenian business man sells for his agreed profit, and the manufacturers order at a set prices ~ but after the prices have been agreed, if the exchange rate changes, it is the middle man who sometimes sells at a loss, after all he can not change the cost agreed with the buyer nor the seller.  Neither does he want to loose their longtime custom on one deal.  Over the past so many years, business with the recession has fallen dramatically, with some English manufactures going completely out of business – then sheer volume becomes everything, but R is small fry.  Other manufactures cut their costs at no notice at all ~ cancel their orders ~ and then buy from china where R can not compete with the ridiculously low prices, however their standard is poor and they do not deliver at short notice.  R offers an old-fashioned business etiquette, often calling on his customers at the drop of a hat, and the traditional company’s buyers appear to feel secure and like this personal relationship with the middleman.  Despite things forever being dangerously tight, it means at least that R forever has a batch of rejected samples which fuel the log burner and keep us warm throughout the winter months.

Last year for some strange reason was a better year, not that it ever puts money in our pocket.  Just that it covers all the outgoings as opposed to making the overdraft and debt grow bigger, and then even though I see none of it, the family tax credits are cut.  I hate it. This year is diabolical and ends have not been met.  Then in an already devastated financial climate I have been told that we have to try to cut all costs even further.  I hate the fact that my life is governed by 1) lack of money and 2) by someone else’s choices and decisions, ~ where once I made my own choices and decisions, and even though I never had spare cash previously, I was never in the negative. Ironic that my choice not to possess a credit card and be in debt, once made me an unsuitable person for any credit!

That being in my position means that I can not make the independent choices that I so long to make is an absolute frustration.  The fact that feeding, keeping warm, clothing, keeping a roof over my children’s heads, and trying to keep them educated in the Catholic faith is my priority, means that I would have chosen to move home a long time ago.  To be closer to the schools, closer to a town with affordable rail travel, with all amenities within walking distance so that car costs can be cut, so that I am closer to my family, and closer to where my children could be better accommodated by a vibrant youth service.   And so too that I would be better situated for my London bound course, with more opportunity for future employment, is forever restricted by being stuck where I am.

Instead on more accounts than one I am frustratingly held other by others.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

But for now I am breathing and alive and inspired ~  I am grateful for so very much ~ but there are some things imperative that I would change if I could.  I recently read a post about peace, and so on account of my reading this I meditated upon any lack of peace I may have in my life.  And any lack of peace in my life appears to stem from an absolute sheer lack of effective communication from others.  Speaking in riddles, subliminal, not communicating effectively, not communicating at all, blanking, avoiding, ignoring, mis-communicating, and not being full of clarity, openness, honesty or integrity.   I pray for you.  I pray for me.  I pray that God who is Love makes my Charism work inside of you, and I pray that it changes the way you choose to communicate with the world, and with me.   For somebody that absolutely communicates transparently and is authentic and true in her communication, I find this very difficult and frustrating.  For those of you who know that you communicate with integrity and honesty, well God bless you, and keep your communication skills just as they are.

God is Love and I will forever keep turning towards the Love . . . because of Love.  I will never deny the authentic magnanimous God bestowed Love that I feel and know,  in order just to fulfil others images of what they perceive ‘Love’ to be.  I will never be a convenience that fulfills others Cynicisms . . . .

. . . . because to deny God and to deny Love is against everything I Am.  But I shall forever be True to myself and True to Him.

And then theres whether to apply for that job, or not . . . that is the question?

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About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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