It would have been so perfect. I wanted to apply and then I didn’t want to apply, because I felt I might not be received by the wider community. Inside I had lost my confidence.
But still in deepest hope and prayer I applied.
I was really nervous ~ it was my first job interview in 16 years of raising my children. That’s a long time to go without a job interview.
And then suddenly when I was there it all felt so perfect.
Then I really wanted the job.
To put my spirituality into action for Him. To help others fall in Love with Him. To help them connect and see the Light of the world. To be active and contemplative and active. To inspire others.
The money would have stopped the immediate fear of being out of control of my own financial fate. The fear of losing the beach hut ~ the car ~ the house. To help my own children out more ~ for them to return to hot school dinners. Most school holiday’s would have been off with the children ~ I could have earned money, and been with them still in the precious holidays, and to have treated them would have been a joy. To maybe take a holiday again. To maybe go abroad for the first ever time with the children, to a warm beach. Real sand.
To work with my faith.
My faith would have been lived out in a vocation which I would have helped carve out, inspire, it was open to development ~ and in some small way it could have been created by me ~ for Him ~ under His guidance, inspiration and Will.
The gap would have been bridged or at least mended a little at home ~ for then R would not have been held responsible for provoking the lack of my acceptance and freedom within the faith, in which I have so fallen in Love, and so too I would have been less angry with him for his actions, which seemingly caused the counter-active reaction towards me from further afield because he was angry that I chose my faith over him.
Getting the post would have meant that on my merit alone the Catholic faith would have embraced me as the right woman to inspire others. And any unkindness, unfair restrictions, and unjust action towards me would have been rectified in me getting the post.
The better candidate got the job.
Part of the panel for my interview, in sensitivity was discretely called away. That initially helped with the nerves ~ and upon their return the decisions were made, I possibly would have felt cheated either way. I was wished luck upon their leaving ~ bless their heart.
I feel as if there is no hope for me in ever being a diocesan Catholic ~ Ever.
I of course didn’t get it ~ and now I feel bereft and hopeless ~ and like I will never ever belong here. All interesting academic and worthwhile lectures are beyond the limits of my boundaries. I can’t afford to go further afield.
I can’t do this anymore.
To be here is to render myself permanently excluded and held other ~ and with the release of every single parish newsletter its magnified. I feel like I should open up my life again ~ heal myself by stop allowing myself to be punished. By freeing myself to Christ alone ~ beyond the limits of the oppression suffocating me, and the need to be accepted slowly eating me away.
Today R went to his daughters to think. We can’t afford to manoeuvre other.
I Love you Christ
hurting mags †
Last night I went to see Philomena.
I forgive you all.